whine.

I am at the end of my proverbial tether. I can't take this anymore.
crying,
every
single
night
as my guilt and pain and emptiness tear new holes in my mind.
sure you can ask how i am and pull a sad face when i say okay.
sure you can give me a careful pat on the shoulder occasionally and then carry on with your life.
I don't blame you, i would probably do the same thing. Because it's scary. It's scary to see someone with this gaping gash in their lives. But i guarantee it's a million times harder being that person.

And as emo as it sounds, no one understands. They say she's still with me, but i don't feel her. They say she's still looking after me. All i can see is her in the cold damp ground. People say that she loved me more than anything. I don't want to hear that. I would prefer if she was rather indifferent towards me. Then i wouldn't start to shake with the fear of her not knowing how much i love her every time someone brings it up.

So that is what i am. Alone. The only person that was even within a mile of getting inside my head is gone. And my walls refuse to come down for anyone else (except apparantly the internet) so i guess i'll just hang out here.

lol.